March 13, 2020
Being able to share my story has healed me in ways that counseling, books, meditation, and prayer never did.
I never admitted my fears, instead, I spent my days in judgment, judging how my girlfriend at the time didn’t clean enough, do enough or be enough. I judged how my mother made choices, how my sister dated, and how my friends ran their homes. I judged how my boss did her job.
Most of all, deep down, I judged how I didn’t
This list was long and painful, plus this fucking list played in my head every morning when I woke up, throughout the day and every night before bed. I couldn’t get away from my shortcomings, my failures, so to calm the noise, I judged everyone and everything.
Looking in the mirror at my red eyes, smeared with running mascara and concealer, I look further down to the 44DDD’s busting out all the sides and top. I looked like I was 7 1/2 months pregnant, but I’ve never even been pregnant.
It’s my 28th birthday and I looked a shitty mess. 297 pounds of hateful, sad, miserable worthlessness.
I had just been to the hospital a few days prior because after going up a flight of stairs, I had to call 911. I couldn’t breathe, and when I came to, I was in a hospital bed with a doctor yelling at me that I was morbidly obese and I was going to die…
I woke up that morning in a pit of self-pity and shame. I tried to put my makeup on and get dressed, but the tears just wouldn’t stop falling.
I fell to my knees…
I prayed for an answer.
When I was done, I grabbed my HTC Evo and turned on my favorite Les Brown video, It’s Possible.
I got up off the floor when he said,
"Most people operate out of the personal history, out of their memory, things they have done, things they have experienced, things they have seen, things that they have observed. What I’m suggesting is that you operate out of a larger vision of yourself, I want you to see yourself doing what you want to do, experiencing what you want to experience, having what you want to have, doing what it is that gives your life some meaning and value."
Yes, I went and found the exact words of the speech, because they were that important.
That moment in my life changed me because at that moment I decided to choose myself. That day I met my best friend as well, the woman who would help me change my life.
She had the same problems as me, she blamed her mother, hated herself, and was devastated by the body she has let go to shit. But we decided to become one and stand in solidarity with one another.
I met her in the most unlikely of places.
I met her in the mirror.
You see, she was me and I was her. I decided to find my happiness and it was looking at me right in the face. It was a choice. I hadn’t made a choice to see a better version of myself, until that moment.
I had faith because I had survived being abused, taking advantage of, living on my own at 15 and so much more. I could survive this.
That was day 1 of my self-love journey. Since then I carry with me the SACK. It is the values that I have instilled in myself and the business that has allowed me to come from under a rock and grow into a grand blossom like Chloris, the Goddess of the Gardens.
To hear more about my journey, please join our Podcast at bit.ly/6figuregoddess.